blog

Moved in with mother-in-law

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 11:49:59 +0100

Now I know that may sound pathetic, but it is actually a good thing. Tami and I were fighting a lot and seeing her with another man (in the same house), after ten years together, is just too tough. Look at my current situation as a small stepping stone. Kathy (mother-in-law) is not charging rent (just have to buy my food) and I am out of that situation. So, for how long will I be mooching some may asking (3 months). Then I am moving back up North. I will be living with my brother in Dorcester, MA. Brian and I will be able to REALLY work on our band (Resonant Reflections), will be out of too-hot Florida, and will see my family again. So, this is a good thing....really.

When a Marriage Crumbles...

Sat, 29 May 2010 14:55:27 +0100

So you have noticed that my blog is a bit personal, but the true meaning of blog is just that.

Tami and I married on March 19, 2004, but we have been pretty much tied at the hip since August 2001. So, for a bond like that to fall apart is hard no matter how you look at it. We pretty much both began falling out of love, slowly, 4 years ago. She started saying how we needed to fix this about us or needed to do that, but it fell on deaf ears. It's not that I did not want to fix those things, but more that I was comfortable the way we were.

It's funny that comfort can cause you to be so very blind. Here's an analogy (I love the things)- when you're down many people eat, which replaces or hides the feelings of sadness. Well the same thing happened with us. Because our friendship was so strong, we were able to stay together for an immense amount of time past our marriage's expiration. Now don't get me wrong, we both did try- both along the way and very much at the end. The problem is that I really did not give it MY all until the end, when it was already past the point of no return.

So, Tami and I are divorcing (the actual date is not important), but we are living in the same house, as making our bills is way too tough right now otherwise. I am living in the back bedroom and she is sleeping in the front (our old) bedroom. Now she is certainly a bit further along with this and by that I mean she has entirely accepted it. I myself still have a bit of love for her, so it is a rough transition. Some days are easier, but it is tough.

What makes it tougher, and I really don't fault her for this, is that she now has a boyfriend. He is a friend of both, but it is still a bit awkward. She is very respectful in that they don't sleep together here (at least not yet) and pretty much cap their affection for each other while they are around me. Like I said I DO NOT FAULT HER! Why many would ask? Well, there are a few reasons. 1. She tried early on to fix us, and when I didn't and did not show my affection for her I was essentially killing a part of her (that is towards me); 2. She moved on long ago, over 6 months ago; and 3. I really do want her to be happy.

The thing is I have basically had Tami as my so-called side kick for the past 10 years (since I am 30, that is 1/3 of my life!). I really want us to remain friends, so animosity, hatred, bitterness, any of that can not be there. I am not saying that I do not feel hurt at all, or that I don't allow my self the pain that I feel, but I don't succumb to it.

(Please, if you read this entry and you have advice- email me suggestions.

When someone is about to die (part 4 and final)...

Sat, 29 May 2010 14:55:55 +0100

On the morning of April 27, 2010. John had a really rough night, though at this point he was too out of it to know. He was fighting so hard to live although death was surely eminent. We had to re-dress and clean him and his bed as his fluids had left his body (from the liver failure). It was an awful experience. After helping my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and wife handle this situation I went to work. Though I did not want to, as I knew something felt off, I went to work.

At work I had great difficulty trying to do anything, as my head was still back at Kathy's - where I felt I should still be. Around noon I received a call from Tami (my wife) that he had passed. Rather than panic, as I had practiced what I would do when this happened ahead of time, I sat in silence for a moment after hanging up. Then I ran out of the office, crying my way to the car. The ride home was annoying, as it seemed to take forever. Luckily I had my friend Brian call me during this ride home. Brian calmed me down as much as he possibly could. Thank you man!

When I FINALLY arrived to meet the others everyone was upset, obviously. Kathy hugged me and said "You're my put me back together again" or something like that

The whole thing was very bittersweet, as we were all glad he was at peace, but surely will miss him.

When someone is about to die (part 3)...

Sat, 29 May 2010 14:56:11 +0100

So obviously this whole ordeal is agonizing, but it is the most difficult for my mother-in-law...Kathy. Kathy is suffering like I have never seen someone suffer. It's not that I don't think she should be suffering, or is suffering too much- it's more that it hurts to see her this way.

She is constantly staring through the sliding glass window where he is sleeping waiting for him to die. It is so sad. I was I could take her pain away. As John has become sicker and sicker she has been in more and more pain. Naturally, if I was watching the same things happen to Tami, then I would be in more and more pain as well. My point is that over the last 8 years I have watched her suffer so much and it has taken a tremendous toll on her.

I hope after all this is over, and he is at peace finally...then she can find peace in that as well.

When someone is about to die (part 2)...

Sat, 29 May 2010 14:56:24 +0100

So, as days pass by he is closer to moving on. His body has retained even more fluid now and he is no longer relieving himself. Today he wouldn't evn leave his wheelchair all day, which was over 9 hours, until I came home for work. He doesn't trust anyone to lift him except me. Although that is sad, it is also an honor, as he doesn't trust many people at all. By the time I finally was able to lift him into bed his body was so tight from being frozen in one position for so long. He is also feeling itchy from all of the toxins within, which have no way of leaving his body (liver and kidney failures).

Since last time I wrote Hospice has come in. They are helping medicinally, mentally, and will surely be helpful when he finally passes. I can't understand though, with all the training many of these workers have had, and the years working for Hospice...why can't they pick up a man with ease. Even with all of the fluid that he has taken on he is only maybe 190 lbs. The other day one of the guys nearly dropped him...what the hell!

The whole thing is over the top. I mean- I watched my grandmother die, but not until the end. I saw her about a month before she passed and had to say goodbye, which surely hurt. With my grandfather (her husband)- that was rough, because although I did not watch him stop breathing and slip away...he was almost fully paralyzed from a stroke. It was horrible- I watched a man go from my everyday grandfather to bedridden, on breathing treatments, unable to speak, unable to swallow, and barely able to even move his hands. My point is, that even though both of those things were horrible- this is disgusting.

I hope he slips away soon, because watching this is awful. Kathy (my mother-in-law) is slowly and surely breaking; my wife is strong, but hurting; his older daughter is upset; his younger daughter is falling apart; and it is breaking my heart. It all needs to end, as we ALL need to begin to heal.

When someone is about to die...

Sat, 29 May 2010 14:56:36 +0100

My father in law, who is a very strong willed and proud man is sitting at the stairway to heaven. A little over nine years ago, when I first met him, I never would have thought I would be so deeply connected to him. When I first met him he was big, but not in the way of fat or anything, just intimidating in a way. The way he carried himself was very large and in charge. In the beginning he used to sleep for about 6 hours and then go to work around 11 at night. When he arrived home around 7 or 8 am he would do yard work, the pool maintenance, and car care for hours- still no sign of being tired or even that sweaty, which is very weird since we're in hot and steamy south Florida. 2 years later he was stopped dead in his tracks with a heart attack, which we found out later was more like 5 heart attacks.

From then on he was retired, which was devastating to a man that had ALWAYS provided for his family. He felt as though he was castrated and was waiting to be slaughtered. Slowly we watched him become weaker, as his depression grew stronger. His diabetes now also started becoming more of a factor. The huge man I once knew was becoming small, weak, and powerless. I always knew him for he was inside and never faulted him for changing, but he couldn't get the failure who he felt he had become get out of his head. His mind wanted to do so much more than he physically could. Regardless of all of these problems he only grew more important and closer to me. He has been there when I was down and out, or when I was manic and could not work. He would provide me with wisdom that I could not find in my heart or anywhere else.

Then things really got worse, his diabetes started really taking a toll on him. He started losing toe after toe. This was real hard on him. Regardless of all of this, he was still there for others, including me when I lost my job. Even though it was awful losing my job and being out of work for nearly 13 months...it was still a sort of blessing. I was able to help John, as he recovered from having his most traumatic surgery- his leg amputation. It did take a while, but he relied on me to help him get in and out of the house and truck, as his strength was just not enough to help him maneuver.

I was over his house all year long to help him around, get his lunch, and whatever else he needed. Although it was tough watching him be so weak and depressed, he really appreciated me and really started looking at me like his own son. He would never call me his son, as he lost his son to cancer over 30 years ago and he would feel he was betraying his honor. I have been told by Tami and Kathy that they couldn't and wouldn't have been able to do it without me, so my unemployment was somewhat of a blessing.

So, although there have been many more ins and outs of doctor's offices and hospitals- here we are today. He is filled with fluid, his body is septic, his skin and eyes are yellow, his speech is slurred, his energy is faint, and his organs are failing.